In our 4th episode of Millis Podcast - by parents for parents, our moderator Lisa and Millis founder Patrick speak with Franzi Helms, a renowned coach, trainer and speaker who specializes in self-determined motherhood and parenthood. Franzi shares her expertise and personal experiences on topics such as pressure of expectations, communication in relationships, self-care and the compatibility of family and work. This interview offers valuable insights for anyone looking for ways to face the challenges of parenthood with strength and clarity.
Welcome Franzi. Please introduce yourself.
I'm Franzi Helms, I'm a coach, trainer and speaker for self-determined motherhood and parenthood, which means that for me it's about expectations, particularly the expectations of others. But also our own expectations that we all have of ourselves, so a lot about pressure of expectations, but also about communication, especially in relationships, but also topics like setting boundaries and, accordingly, self-care. Another important topic is of course the compatibility of family and work and mental load and how that is ultimately divided up. I come from Hanover and also work a lot online and have 2 daughters.
How does the idea of becoming a mother differ from the reality of being a mother?
The problem is that we have a romantic image of how a lot of things should be, and that's often the case with motherhood or parenthood. It often starts with pregnancy or birth. There are sayings like, once you hold the child in your arms, you forget everything else, and it's always assumed that we as mothers should have complete bliss, from the beginning and forever. But the idea of motherhood and reality are very often very different. And that leads to us having expectations that are too high, and also wrong expectations about what motherhood should ultimately look like.
What are the negative challenges of pregnancy or parenthood?
Having children is a huge life change. If not the biggest one we can have in life and it turns our whole life upside down. And that is of course really wonderful. It is great, it is great to bring a baby into the world, you simply have endless love and so much happiness and joy, but it also has another side and this other side is just as challenging and this challenge is often not talked about because we love our children when they come into the world and so the question is always, are we allowed to do that now? Are we allowed to say something bad now? Are we allowed to say that this child, which we really wanted, which we longed for, is driving us to the edge of our being and that we have never felt such anger before as we did before this pregnancy, before this child. And it is very common that we are not allowed to talk about it, it is not socially acceptable. Of course everyone wants everything to be great after the birth and everything revolves around this baby. We often see that as soon as a woman is pregnant, she is given advice without being asked and all of a sudden all of the inhibitions are gone. Suddenly it is OK to give intrusive advice or ask intimate questions. It is totally crazy. How come strangers suddenly have the courage to touch a pregnant woman's stomach? What is going on here? So why is it OK to be allowed to do that? I wouldn't touch someone's stomach. I wouldn't think of such an idea and all of a sudden all of the inhibitions are gone. And everyone suddenly has advice for you. And then it gets to the point: are you going to breastfeed, are you not going to breastfeed, are you going to share a bed? It is all always very dramatic, especially when it comes to children, everything is always presented in a very dramatic way and there are always very extreme opinions, depending on who you are talking to. And that is simply what quickly makes you feel insecure. You have to remember that during this time when you are pregnant you are incredibly vulnerable and very insecure. What is in store for me now? You think a lot about: what do we actually want as a family, what do I actually want, and then there is the whole external impact and that just adds to this insecurity.
How was it for you? What were your biggest challenges when you became a mother?
To be honest, I think I had a lot. I also had my own identity crisis at the time. That's why I do what I do today. It originated with my eldest daughter. I think if I had to say what my biggest challenge is, it is definitely this external control, this feeling that not everything revolves around you, but around this baby, and in a way that's fine. But then you sometimes have such a lack of sleep yourself and you won't eat for hours and everything revolves around this baby, and not just for yourself, but for everyone else too. Because relatives and friends come to visit and then it's not just about me anymore. So it's not about me at all, people might ask: how was the birth? That's usually it and then it's actually more about the baby and very little about the woman herself who is behind it. I always say that we actually need a protective shield for pregnant women and young mothers who have just become mothers, because they are also very vulnerable and because they are making such enormous progress. For me personally, it was definitely this external control that was extremely difficult, and also the whole thing, how much people interfere. The craziest comment I received was that when I was pregnant, I was asked - this was among colleagues, not friends - whether it was an accident or planned. And I think, I don't even want to discuss that with you, up until now we have only talked about the weather. The background to this is that I had just changed jobs and of course everyone was curious whether I would be so bold as to get pregnant straight away.
The first year of life is a huge development process not only for the baby, but also for the mother. What actually happens in this development process of the mother's work?
The great thing at the moment is that we have lots of great new research studies or results. When we become mothers, a lot happens to us. And that is that - quite a lot of mothers experience this - our emotions go on a rollercoaster ride. Of course, on the one hand, this is somehow hormonal, but on the one hand we are overjoyed about this baby and the next moment we are unbelievably sad. And then again, we are angry. So the feelings are very, very intense and they are also very, very contradictory and that can change within 2 seconds or it can even happen at the same time. And it overwhelms us and we don't know how we can and are allowed to deal with it. There is also a lot of social pressure about what you can and can't do as a mother. And it's just that there is now a term for this developmental step, this transition from woman to mother, and it is called motherhood or matrix. The sister-heart doulas Nathalie Lamotte and Sarah Gallan brought this term to Germany and explained it as motherhood, which I think is very fitting because it is a combination of mother and puberty. Research has shown that becoming a mother, this development, has many parallels to puberty, so many character traits are similar, on the one hand also these feelings that we may all still know from puberty, this up and down, so it is definitely based on that or is simply meant to show that there are many similarities in how you perceive the feelings and how intense they are and how contradictory. Also that it has an incredible amount to do with insecurity, with finding one's identity, which also takes place in puberty and a very similar process that also takes place in motherhood, because it is simply about who I actually am, who am I actually still in this whole thing. So I am a mother now, but who am I actually still in this whole thing?
Do men actually experience this too?
Yes, there is also fatherhood. There are different levels where this development takes place. One is the physical level, the psychological level, the relationship level, the professional level and the spiritual level, and I find it very, very exciting that fatherhood has been researched just as much on the physical level. And that it is also seen that when people look after children, when they provide care, the brain changes. It is actually demonstrable that when you have an MRI scan, you can see from your brain whether you are caring for someone with the same intensity as you would for a child.
Why is it that this topic has come into focus so much right now?
The fact that this very topic of motherhood has come into focus, as we have with women's health and women's research, is because for decades not much money was really invested in this field. Fortunately, it is also the case with mother research that it was not cared about for a long time, or simply not that much money was invested, and that a lot of mother research only started to develop later, always in relation to the baby. That is, the mother was only looked at in relation to the baby. Only the child was always considered and not the mother herself or the woman herself who is behind it. The whole thing became a bit more exciting when research began into all the illnesses in mothers. Such as postpartum depression, anxiety, etc. On the one hand, a few years ago we had a regretting motherhood movement, where women completely regret their motherhood, and on the other hand there is always this feeling of motherly happiness, and somehow there is nothing in between. That is, for example, my reputation and that is what I want to achieve with my work: that we want to give an honest picture of what it is like to be a mother or a parent, what it is like to be a father. It has great sides, but it also has challenges and stressful sides. And that we simply talk about these, and that it is all normal. It is sometimes difficult, especially on Instagram, when you see how it is always a little easier for others. We simply have to be more honest. And that it is OK to talk about the challenges that come with parenthood.
But such phases are completely normal, right?
Totally. The psychological change is simply enormous. We still have a very social norm in Germany about what the image of a mother should be like, and you are overwhelmed by external pressure. You are told very clearly how you should be and what you should do and what you shouldn't do. The fact is that we simply have far too many expectations of mothers these days. You should be family-oriented, professionally ambitious, still naturally a housewife, extremely perfect, motherly and completely relaxed at the same time. It's clear and always with a smile on your face. With my second daughter I was much more self-confident, I knew that I would now do things the way I thought and I was no longer interested in what others said. But with your first child in particular you don't know what is right and you don't know yourself what you actually want, especially with breastfeeding, there is so much pressure on you. With my first daughter, I had problems breastfeeding after 3 months and went to all sorts of breastfeeding groups and of course tried to find a solution because I didn't want to stop breastfeeding because that's the best thing for the child. The expectations - this is all scientifically based, I don't even want to say that - but the pressure of expectations in these breastfeeding groups was so high, the women were so desperate, they cried a lot, they suffered pain and still did everything possible to keep breastfeeding going. I do systemic coaching, which means you always look at the system and when a child is born, everything is still shaky. It's like a baby mobile. Someone new comes along, they are attached to the mobile and the balance shifts and then everything starts to wobble and that's how it is with the relationship level at this time too. You just have to look at your partner again, what is it like now, we are both parents now, how can we manage it. But also to your own mother, father, in-laws, to everyone who is part of this system. It often happens that somewhere there is potential for conflict and that you suddenly have to set boundaries in a completely different way. Because up until then a lot of things were fine, but as soon as you have a child yourself and are a mother or father, you have to be strong for someone else and you have to set boundaries for someone else. And then of course there is a completely different potential for conflict.
How can I, as a mother, prioritize my own well-being, personal development and needs amidst all these challenges?
You may notice that I really like working with metaphors. I think the most important thing is to be aware that self-care is incredibly important in my life. I always say that there is a barrel of care and energy and there is a tap at the bottom that is constantly being opened. Care for all kinds of people is released from there: the child, the husband, the mother, father, neighbors, friends, everyone taps off a little care and energy from there. And I also need care and I have to pour care into the top myself so that this barrel doesn't dry up. I also notice this when I am no longer so patient with my children, then I know exactly, OK, my energy level is just way too low and then I have to work on saying, OK, I have to work on my self-care again and I have to see what is going on with me right now. It has nothing to do with my children. I need the energy for them and that only works if I am doing well myself. As I said, otherwise the barrel will eventually dry out.
How do we now manage to accommodate all of our family needs?
I could tell you more for hours, because that is of course my topic and it is of course always very easy to say... It is of course all an incredible amount of work, and that is why I always say that the first thing you should do - even as a family - is to talk to each other about expectations: what do we actually expect from each other? And I am always a total fan of doing this, ideally even during pregnancy. How do we actually imagine our life together and that we talk about it, how do we want to manage it all together?
And that at the end of the day we have to prioritize and reduce things because probably not everything is possible anymore. Because a lot of this balancing, especially when both parents go back to work, is just too much and you have to look first and see what is really important right now, what expectations do we have? What expectations are important to us? Which do we want to fulfill and which do we not? For example, which are not that important to us? You can't start early enough to build a network to find allies, but also to support each other.
Do you have any other practical tips to help you get back into balance?
Exchange is really important in this situation, also with like-minded people. There are lots of courses where you can find like-minded people to exchange ideas with. Make sure you get a good group that speaks honestly to each other. If you don't feel like you're in good hands, don't be afraid to just change courses because it's no use if you feel under pressure. I know that from my first daughter, I had a baby course and everyone was so happy. And I felt wrong. I would also like to talk about this challenge and I think you have to have the courage to change courses sometimes. Because exchange with like-minded people who feel the same way as you is really important. And in the end, not to be so hard on yourself. It's an incredibly vulnerable and sensitive phase of life and a lot is demanded of you. And what I always think is good is that I'm a total fan of a change of perspective. Even if you are hard on yourself, and we are usually our own biggest critics, you say, what would I advise a friend who is in this situation? Just think about whether what I am asking of myself is actually realistic. And yes, accept all the feelings that come. And that they are OK and that it is just as OK to feel happiness as it is to feel sadness or anger, and there can be moments when we wish our old life back and say, wow, it would be nice to just go out partying on Saturday or just have some peace and quiet and not be constantly on call for such a small baby. And that we can just admit that to ourselves, because repressing it only makes it worse and then the repressed feelings come out somewhere else and we don't want that either. And that we don't forget that we mothers are just people - we are not superheroes, as is sometimes suggested, but we are just people and we have our feelings and needs and they are important and right. And they also have to be seen somewhere.
Conclusion
The first year as a mother brings a lot of joy as well as numerous challenges that are often not discussed very often. The interview with coach Franziska Helms sheds light on the complexity of motherhood and the inevitable expectations that mothers have to face. Franziska stresses how important it is to speak authentically about the reality of parenthood and to allow for the often unmentioned, intense feelings. At a time when social pressure and personal expectations are high, she reminds us that self-care and open communication are crucial to maintaining balance. The conversation offers valuable insights for mothers and fathers who are looking for their own way to harmoniously combine family, work and self-care without neglecting their own needs.